What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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