I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
