I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Alive.
So much puke
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
