Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
