I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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