I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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