Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
