Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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