Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize