and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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