There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
