did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
