I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
