I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
