Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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