Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
