What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
