One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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