Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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