Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
