I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please come you make the beer taste better
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
