i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
