I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
