Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
