I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
