apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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