Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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