I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
