Christians are straight up FREAKS
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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