true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
