Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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