I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
