I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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