I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
