I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
