I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize