It's Friday. Sex?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
