I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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