im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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