do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
