Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
