zippers are such a cool invention
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
