I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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