I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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