I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
