Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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