captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize