therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
