Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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