He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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