Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
