happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize