My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
