my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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