i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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