we have officially lost it.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
