Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
