11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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