Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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