I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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