you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
