I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize