we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you bring me the toilet please
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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