I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
