It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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