I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
