i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
